A dream that I..........

I  wokeup with the most panicky feel any man can endure in a teenagers body. I was panicking so frantic and I did not know why I was sweating in my bed and had sore eyes, a body that wasn't at all mine like it was last night when I landed in that soft comforting bed. I took a few moments as I was dizzy to recollect myself like a bunch of lost items put across the earth.

I said to myself " Pick yourself up, its just a dream Julian, honestly its nothing to be upset about ".

I put on the biggest smile that day as I had nothing to worry about, that dream was nothing, will never be nothing, or so I thought. I mean honestly, what are the chances of that dream actually happening to me, it wasnt me or anything that I'd ever do, being crazy in love I laughed it off as I walked from my house to my bus stop. It was was really cold out and it was the year two thousand and nine. I had a great number of people in my life; best friends that were always there for me.

Opening the school doors was as swift and easy as I remember it to be, I had put on that famous fake smile, it was as believeable as I believed myself to be okay. It was pathetic but people believed it more than I could believe myself to be fine which made me wonder alot. I shrugged off my shoulders of all the tension and anger I had acquired from this dream and nothing would bother my day.

I opened my mouth and told my friend of what I dreamt of, what had stopped me? Pure curiousity of what he thought about the dream. This dream was truly a nightmare come true in the year or two to come that was approaching me very, very fast. I did not know, because I didn't think that this would happen to me, I was way more, vastly intelligent then I take myself out to be. Who would be so reckless to do all of those things in that dream? It has to be a dream, and only a dream.

[Two Years later...]

The most breathe taking girl I've seen, but I seemed to have already known who she was oddly before I even met her or started talking to her. She had a presence like no other, but yet again I had a presence like  no other and she seemed very irresistable and I could not resist any temptations I have. It's like holding back on something you want to say to someone to hurt them, this temptation you just couldn't hold back. I went quite insane because she seemed to understand and was very mature. Younger then me, the first young women I have had respect for and could not deny the love that was started to nest in my heart for her.

We started dating April 27th, 2011. Around there, as school time was off for monday and I went with a best friend to go and see her. She came back to our hotel room and we cuddled a bit like couples do. She invited me to go see her family, her uncle was having a get together. Before I passed the door of threshold, I felt this gut wrenching feel of "dont do it, its not a good idea". I had no idea were this came from but trusting Vanessa I went. I always wonder, what kind of warning sign is that, why'd I even ignore it in the first place? I'd be out of this heart break of a mess.

We dated for six months, and it was the best 6 months of my life. Our relationship bloomed like a flower, but died like a flower like when winter approaches. I was hoping our flower to have that same beauty, and blossum eternally like in a garden of Eden. I sent roses on the sixth month signifying our love, or the love had devoted to her. What belligerent fool like myself could give his heart and not realize the transaction between hearts was never made? I gave her my heart freely, and there was only a double bladed fight to combat for hers. She had many guides, it was like a drug deal, I brought the drugs without any body guards or backup plans. She brought her body guards but I got killed in this deal. I gave her enough suppliment for her to love me, but once it ran out, we were done. Analogys tend to be my favourite way for explaining things and how people struggle to even be happy. 

It turns out that in the dark, I had no fear, and now I dont even know what is out there anymore, I am scared of becoming hurt again, of being scared even thrice more. If I could do it over again I would try to patch everything that was unsaid, create that bridge of trust so she could see to the other side and know that she was free to cross through this path of a bridge. Through the darkness, I will hold a staff to put aside the darkness, and my spirit would unlatch my body and carry her through the land of despair, we call earth. I wondered why my eyes glowed ever so much as my soul had been brought out from the pits of my body, through my eyes. I could see that she had lust in her eyes, not love, but I chose to ignore that warning sign heeding guidance with her love in getting trust from her.

Our souls in this land would be intertwined and were not, she was mingling with other spirits for reasons I couldn't comprehend; it was a dread a girl would ever believe in such a way of betrayal. I was the keeper of this realm, and now I was following back into the pit of despair, everymore, my soul seemed to vanish just like my belief of gudiance, enlightment. My mentality was so strong, so tall, and now was taken down with a single blow, her mentality was not prevalent, she concealed any childishness she may have had with false superiority. This is the day that I learned that not everything is as it seems to be, people arent who you thought they'd be, or want them to be forever. Love is a delicate thing, and especially when you risk it by chasing a soul you'll never catch, your demons will catchup with you in the realm without a lantern to keep your eternal peace.

Straight Jacket of Love

I am completely fine, feeling as smooth as the oceans current

Nothing can ruin this night, with the stars agazing.

I feel just the sound of the ocean washing away any worries.

I smell the ocean air coming in from the past, present and the future

I am truly at peace at this very moment in time.

Thinking outloud, I wonder why, in a harsh cry

Has time escaped me too long?

I run in a panic, wondering if anyone will still be alive

I look behind to see my passion, lashing me with a hot whip

It is not my poetry, not my guitar, or my voice calling me

But the pain of the past, present and future

I try to stick out and feel better but nothing helps, it seems this pain is

Growing hotter like a hot iron press, and I cannot stress how it feels

I feel weak, limber, my anger isnt simmered as my skin is red

Not red with remorse, but pain, and tattoo'ed with forever'd pain.

I struggle in my peaceful palace of sand to be at ease

But I cannot be appeased, once again im struggling to find my way

The pain on my back of that imprint is getting hotter, not from heat

But from the sting of love, and the heart of pain

As I look through our memories like a diary

I see that deep down fire in me

Its lit very low, to not be seen

My love for hers been split inbetween.

Like an axe chopping through wood

I have a splinter in my heart

It wont be squeezed, or put at ease

The struggle is hard and hurtful

I feel as if im in a straight jacket of love

and I will never get out of this entrapment 

No matter how hard I struggle

It wont ever come off

I feel a bit better as she says that shes emotionally unstable

Setting aside my worries and doubts, that im all about

I look and what do I see, her with another man

She is yet again appeased.

I am still trapped in this hungry built love

Fulfilling her needs, but starving in mine

If only she'd have not lied, and told me everything

Maybe I wouldn't be in this straight jacket, of love....

Deepest, Darkest

                                                         ................Blue

In moments of deepest darkest blue

The teardrop that hit’s the water making it

Break off into waves all around

Breathe is exhaled so dark and white

As the night is full of cold air

The time is  five minutes to twelve a.m.

It feels as if time is running out faster now

IT feels as if time has never gone faster then it has

The dread that engulfs the night is so intangible

Slowly, I draw my breathe one more time

Before the hand strikes twelve and everything ceases to exist

My lips dark red with remorse and trembling with fear

Dark blue eyes, crying blood in pain

And the heart feels as if its giving its last pump

As I think my last thought, and draw my last breathe

I see the dark light sky

With blood tear dropped eyes

The stars all glistening with a moments truth

My hands are cold with remorse of what use to be there

The blood in my veins thickens as I clench my teeth

The clock on the tower has seemed to stop one second

Before the strike of midnight and only so daringly moves back

I feel the hurt in my heart even more than I did the night before

This hurt will never cease, will never be destined to go out

If only someone could feel how it feels, this stabbing in my heart.

My soul seems to have vanished, as if any shred of goodness in me leaves

I cannot bleed pure red, but only smoke, nothingness.

My breathe shortens, my skin tights on me

And my mind wanders like it has always done before

My heart is gone, not in my hands at all

This is a capsule of a body, embedding memories so tall

My heart was stolen, along with my love for all

I feel an everlasting beckoning call

As I feel the stabbing in my heart 

It has disseapered stolen by a thief, a gentle loving thief.

My heart a  rare mirror, reflecting only what you want the most

I feel my heart ever so shattered

With everything else that mattered

I think the most lucid things

Love, Tranquility, and Peace

What I can change, refrain, design.

But, I cannot change anything this time, for the  bit of me that is left

Left for death

But I can change what is tangible and make each day

Worth living.....like it was my five minutes before the strike of midnight.

Patience is a virtue...

                                                          .......Music truly can bring out something that nothing else can


           Yesterday I was looking for country music to download because since my heavy breakup, country is like a crutch for me, and I just was looking out suggestions youtube gave me and I saw that song that made my crutch become completely abolished, completely useless. All the hope, false sense of happiness, all vanished within 5 seconds of just seeing the title of this song. The songs name was "Check Yes or No" It reminded me of the song she sent me oh so long ago that I remember and quite amazing memory. It was just amazing how my heart just dropped to an all time low at just seeing thats songs name by George Strait. I mean honestly, I love Vanessa, and I don't think i'll ever stop. People say it gets easier as time goes on but its just getting harder and just when I think that im alright, all my dreams and thoughts tell me to go and chase her. I don't know what to do anymore because she is a big part of my life and now shes suddenly just gone forever from it. She won't text me back, call me, or anything. I remember once hearing the words that "things will never be the same, and I cant go back" I know loved ones will pass away, and I know one of my dear family members will be passing away as we speak and im considerably handling this expected death very, very well. But just because a few things in life have taken a great twisted turn does not mean that they have to go far worse then where they've gone. It's to go back and reflect on the good memories with your family, or your friends that have passed away and forever will be at peace. I remember my friend Dennis passed away and I was in so much shock because a week before I went away to see Vanessa, he asked me to hangout and I told him I would when I got back from seeing Vanessa. He died and the those were the last words I said to him, and I just feel ever so bad about not being able to hangout with him but him and I were becoming good friends throughout time and then my friend just taken away from this earth. His family must have been devastated but as someone who finds out over the internet and is in denial with themselves it was even harder for me to even believe.

          He told me people made rumors about him passing away at school so I thought this was just another cruel teenager joke but it turns out I was wrong. I mean honestly what can I do now that he has passed to make myself feel better? I can only try to approach the future and move on, always remembering the memories I have had with my friend. But I cannot move on in my future without the girl I truly love, thats something I can never ever pass on. I can do something about it, ive made mistakes, ive been an idiot but what i'll never be is a fool for loving her. I wish that I had realized the mistakes I made when I was with her then when im without her, because I truly feel more alone that I have and ever will feel. My eyes burn when I wakeup in the morning and when I go to bed at night, my heart stops whenever I think of the great times we had and how much she made me happy. I just wish that she would see that I am always going to love her for her, and accept her mistakes that she may make. I wish that she loves me for me, and just clear eachother of our mistakes and start fresh, with the same memories, same love, same blossoming, undeniable love for eachother. I remember promising myself to move to Ottawa, and I honestly can't say that I'll ever back out of doing that now. I promised myself, and noone else and I NEVER break my promises. I will never break a promise, because truly I am a man of my word and my word is my life. I need to make sure that I make others around me and myself happy as well because I am in so much wallowing pain that I just need her to say the three words that'll make my insides become alive again, be a whole unit. Right now everything is dying slowly with a strong fight, and its losing so badly and I cannot stop it at all. I need you to say the three words I love you.


         I really don't know if you'll ever read this but if you do, no matter what you may have done, no matter what I have done, we can get passed this and be as in love as we have ever been. I cannot go back into the past and I cannot keep hitting myself over the head emotionally about what I could have learned before to stop this breakup, but maybe this is a test to see our love in strength, and to show us that we can get through rough times as easy as the good times and I just want you to know that my heart keeps telling me to kill for you, to keep chasing you, that this is just something we can get passed but honestly... Whats your heart telling you?

Dont you just....

                                    ...........Love that jump inside you that happens?

             When something that has happened can never be fixed and for example a loved one or family member passes away and you see a message you think they sent you that you never read and it turns out it was an old message? I went into my email to see that it was my ex girlfriend name says "Hey you! :) <3<3" But it was my message to her on the day we started dating, I got that happy fun feeling from getting the happy sense of thinking she'd actually message me and you know what that really sucks. I wish she messaged me but everytime I try she just ignores me like we were nothing at all. I know we had something, and I know I loved her but I would like to know that atleast maybe I meant more to her then what I found out I didnt mean as much? I mean that saying "lets be friends" then they never talk to you? Like thats one of the most stereotypical immature things to do! My old old ex girlfriend and I brokeup and I talk to her everyday, we are just plain out friends but we've become stronger as friends after dating (it was like a month but asides the point). If my friend and I could do that in the past, why cannot my ex girlfriend?

             I love her severely to death, and just the thought of her just hating me makes me sad and I really wish she'd message me back or call me and see how im doing. I love being wanted, like any other human being. Doesn't matter whether im guy or a girl, we are want it and all love it, but I never got as much as I gave, back to me. I love the girl so much and she just pushes me off like nothing and completely blocks communication with me. Who can honestly do that? I really wonder sometimes, and it just boggles my mind how people can do that to someone that really deeply loves them. I know that I did that to my father which of course this is two types of love, but now I realize how hurt he was, when someone you unconditionally love pushes you away it truly hurts and Vanessa pushing me away hurts more then I can imagine. I try to hide my pain everyday, but no matter what is brought up I always think of her. You think it'd be normal to completely forget, but I can never forget and that is what is truly scarring me and hurting me very badly. I mean, I would message her but its like beating a dead horse.

                I will never get a response and I don't think she would read this honestly. I love the girl, I'd marry her but I guess she didn't feel exactly as I thought and that was my mistake. Sometimes things happen for a reasons, and somethings are meant to happen as she said. I was always strong against that saying because you can make anything happen as long as your determined, yeah know? But some people like taking what I call the "easy" way out and just say everything happens for a reason. What happens when you get fired for something you didnt do? WELL everything happens for a reason! No, your going to fight it because its your god damn job and its kinda important for you to live on! I don't get the whole, " Well maybe its meant to happen, or things happen for a reason" What kind of person came up with that mumbo jumbo? It bothers me to the highest extent. I cannot just put that quote out when I think things wont work out because I am a determined person and will never just let things go. 


If its important to me, you know damn well I will make it work.

Today I...

                                                 .....remembered my dream!

         Today, I wokeup remembering my dream. Now that is a first out of I'd say, a very long frickin' time ! I guess because I was so trained in the thought of remembering that even after I wrote it in my dream diary (I bought a day or two ago) I remembered it all day! I believe it is sending me a message of where I want to go in life. My dream was wackier then wacky can get! I mean honestly I never thought or imagined a dream as screwed up as this. I dreamed that a few friends came over and went upstairs, then we had a power outage! My mother was downstairs with me and the dream was a distorted image more over to describe funhouse's with mirrors that make your body look sideways in a sense! So I went upstairs to see if they were okay but all of them were gone and I was like confused, utterly. I went downstairs and noticed that there was a black haired girl downstairs, face distorted because in dreams you do not remember faces and she had a boyfriend which my friend had told me yet either I kissed her or she kissed me. I wonder if that is to signify something about my now ex- girlfriend? The need of being wanted is shown by being kissed while the girls in another relationship? The feel I got was a very mature, intelligent, non-slutty girl that is why I would point out the point above.


            Anyways, continuing, I left the bathroom where we had been talking by my light switch and walked out by my couch. A demon Baal appeared and I was trying to walk/run away. My porch had another door as well after you leave my front door, and he ended up smashing my brains and then my heart. I ended up going straight to hell (literally) and being chased by "said" demons through a multi-dimensional place which consisted of an old peoples home,a family leaving in a trailer, an old rickety house. After exiting the old rickety house and going to a thing that seemed like a wormwhole but not black, like looking through a mirror and seeing something on the other side was a train. I ended up going in the train but the train was speeding so I couldn't do anything and it was a dead end, completely. God appeared before me and asked me if I would be an angel/take his job (I cannot remember correctly) and I went in heaven and did a few tasks which were of the oddest qualities then came back to earth to see my brother and mother. Strangely my father was gone out of the picture in my head which makes me wonder to myself. My brother also smoked (he hates smoking but in the dream he smokes?!) And my workplace was closing the next week which is extremely odd. I saw a different building like a camera off the side, but a piece of cement was showing in the corner of the camera lens! My dream was odd but it resembled something important in my life.

I believe it was my conscious telling me what I wanted to do in life, the death being the other jobs and the god coming to me when I needed him was the job that I wanted. One good path in life, the rest are negative impact to me? The black girl was stated earlier of my psychological analysis of what it could be. It was a strange dream and why remember this one out of the blue? Rather odd if you ask me.

Writers Block..

                                                    ....On love?

         That's right, I wrote that correct. On love, and very specific to be honest. I still love that girl to death but I cannot go back into the past and see where we went wrong because in honesty she'll grow and find out that we could have handled that maturely and we could be a stronger couple and we could get over barriers. When it feels impossible to get over those hard barriers, I am always there for her when she needs me. I will never stop loving her, I think about it day and night. What if she had just loved me as much as I love her? Well there are always going to be " What if I could?..." We all make mistakes and I guess my mistake was opening my heart up and trusting her with it. It turns out my heart got shattered and now there is noone, noone, but me to pickup the pieces of my dead heart.

I wish that there was a reset button, or a redo button for mistakes you have made and grown to learn from them. But there isn't and that is life's consequences for screwing up. You know that there is going to be someone to always pick you up when you feel you cannot even pickup yourself or breathe. The night that I was at my lowest, at my loneliest. My friend that I hadn't spoken to all summer, yeah all summer messaged me saying " Hey we haven't spoken in a long time". That night I went to go see my friend Kelly and her listening was enough for me to just stop myself from anything that I wanted to do with all the energy in my body. I really do love Vanessa, even though she will.. Never love me.

I will wait, only for you, and you know your special when someone like me will give up their life to wait for someone like you. That show's true love, and I wish that we could talk like bestfriends do, I guess that was an illusion I never found the trick to. I thought bestfriends talk about how they feel, whats bothering them, what they love, what they hate. I know I did, maybe that was self-centered? One thing that im assured of is that I will never stop loving you, or waiting for you.

Call me when you want to be the girl I know and love because we both know we want to be together for the rest of our lives. WE just need communication, love & trust, we can start new and build our way up if that is how you want to go about it and maybe that might be best. I don't know if you will read this but if you are, that means you still care for me as I care about you. I know before you didn't want to call but maybe its time we talk about what went wrong and just try...again?

I constantly cant...

                            ......... stop thinking of her ever. So many songs, so many memories.


Honestly...... I just see something or talk about anything and it somehow reminds me of how, I just love her to death. So many memories to smile at, I remember at every magical moment I would just smile so wide because I know that I'd never forget it and that she is the one for me. I mean theres so many songs that remind me of her that I've just found as well as known about and HAD to download them!

Blake Shelton- God Gave Me You
Cody Simpson- On my Mind
Rascal Flatts & Natasha Bedingfield- Easy
Rascal Flatts - Broken Road
Kira Isabella- Love me Like that
Eli Young Band- Crazy Girl
Kenny Chesney - There goes my life
Blake Shelton - Home (Because she is my home, wherever she is where I want to be)
Brooks and Dunn- Aint Nothing 'bout You
Brad Paisley- Little Moments.
Brad Paisley- She's Everything
Thompson Square- Are you gonna kiss me or not?

Rascal Flatts- I wont let go

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't


Andy Griggs- She's More


I like blue eyes, hers are green
Not like the woman of my dreams
And her hair’s not quite as long as I had planned
Five foot three isn’t tall
She’s not the girl I pictured at all
In those paint by number fantasies I’ve had

So it took me by complete surprise
When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes
She’s not at all what I was looking for
She’s more

No, it wasn’t at first site
But the moment I looked twice
I saw the woman I was born to love
Her laughter fills my soul
And when I hold her I don’t wanna let go
When it comes to her I can’t get enough


More than I dreamed of
More than any man deserves
I couldn’t ask for more
Than a love like hers 








There are more but these are the one's that just I cant keep off repeat and
I love YOU so much VANESSA!

I've always wondered...

                                                  ...do they actually mean what they say?

You know that stereotypically breakup conversation. " I think we need to take a break " meaning that its completely over. But I mean it has been interpreted like over history for a long time. I just wonder if someone is alike me and actually means taking a break and than continuing? You don't see me taking a break on my math (I am on break right now) and not ever doing it? I have to get back to it, its important that I do.

I just wonder if the wording is in truth or just something to put the person down easier? It's easier to be given false hope then give someone some hope. Like I was doing math but cannot concentrate at all anymore, and I was "in the game". Now I am having a fight inside my heart, you know that really horrible feeling? You just know you love them and its not one of those feelings that will go away.

I truly love this girl and I will always unconditionally love her for her and love noone else. I mean, honestly is there really hope for us? Or is it all falsified? I am patient guy and I don't mind waiting, but I don't want to be falsely told information. I will wait, even if I die waiting, I will wait.

You know how you can walk around at school and see the type of sex that you think look good (for me its the opposite sex; females) and your like, "oh god shes got a nice butt" and "oh baby her lips". People don't believe I am truly in love because of my age but in honesty, when I see other females that I saw in the past that had specific good features (in the past like I said). I see them as just people, like how you treat the same sex, just casual conversation and just there to be there to just be a friend and not have that girl as a backup?

Well with this girl it was different, when I look at other women, all that gets caught in my head is my now ex girlfriend and i just cannot surcome to thoughts that I have had previously and even when I was dating other people I still did it but here, with this girl, I cannot imagine anyone else has better eyes, better lips, better everything than her. Imperfections we look past them, we do don't we? I honestly don't see those things and its great to be able to want her and not have stupid thoughts pop in your thoughts.When I see other girls all I can picture is how happy Vanessa makes me and all of her beauty. I wish that I could describe this but I can't and her love is so rewarding.

I truly mean it, I will wait. I unconditionally love you and if I have to wait till were 70 or 80 I will. I don't know what is on your mind when you said what you said, but I hope that your wording was intentionally truthful because you have given me hope that I have not lost you to someone else in the present or possible near future. Loving someone is looking past yourself to see them happy themselves. I am sorry, but I will never move on and I will NEVER be able too.

My heart feels like its breaking more than ever and I just cannot concentrate on anything but thinking of her and I just wish that I could fix my mistakes......fix me.

I love you Vanessa.... and always will, no matter what happens.

They do say that

                                      The smaller things in life make life worth living...

Honestly, I have to agree with statement completely. The faces she would make just making me so happy seeing her smile. It was like this smile that could never leave me not smiling! I mean the touch of her hand was like a spark of electricity. I mean honestly this is what love feels like and now I understand why people are so afraid of taking this risk. There is so much to gain, and so much to lose at the same time.

Just seeing her smile and looking deep into her eyes was just looking at the stars her eyes are just so sparkling. I love how she would have thumb wars with me while we held hands, and how she'd hate it when I teased her and licked her face playful. Honestly, that was probably something she hated alot but it was some playfully and loving I can never forget.

I remember how we cried late at night because I had to leave in 3 minutes and seeing those eyes crying and me just kissing her ever-so-more. I wiped her tears as I kissed her and said deeply "I love you, I am so lucky to have someone like you" and truly I am lucky to have someone like her. I am glad that all the things that have happened, for the better or for the worst have happened or else I wouldn't have found the love of my life and its so special being with her.

You know that I could never say that I could easily get over her because in actuality, I could never get over her. She just is everything a man would want and I want to be with her forever and I honestly really love this women to death. I am growing remorseful in the fact I am getting tired and crying and barely getting sleep is something that I am starting to do alot and I wish she'd just see how much I love her and I dont care, we can get passed our troubles; but maybe im not worth that and loving someone you just have to let them be happy even if your left crying, dead inside, its better to see them happy. Just like the song by Tim Mcgraw "Just to see you smile".

But honestly, I am never going to stop trying, stop loving her, its unconditionally and I don't care if I die trying to get her back because she is really the best thing thats happened to me. I love that girl with all my heart and I hope she really knows that I trust her, I love her, I need her, She is my bestfriend, she can tell me anything, I will never judge her for anything and that she is truly the most beautiful women in this god forsaken world!

<33

This song reminds me of you so much my love

Your heart is the sun
and the leaves are your soul
blowing, blowing the clouds
which are really just your dreams tonight

your eyes are the stars
and your hand is mars
holding, holding me up to fly
and I no longer have this great fear of hights, fear of hights


and jupiter has got nothin´on you
the universe does no justice to just what you do to me

it´s like breaking, but waking the inside of me
and the milkyway is but only a galaxy
shine through me like the moon
baby, jupiter has got nothin´
on you


so, maybe I´m lost
in this dark sky
I´m no longer dreaming of blue skys
I´m wrapped up in the night

It´s like violins playing
all around, bittersweet, twinkling, unreality
if I can´t find my way out
I don´t mind, I don´t mind


cause´jupiter has got nothin´on you
the universe does no justice to just what you do to me

it´s like breaking, but waking the inside of me
and the milkyway is but only a galaxy
shine through me like the moon
baby, jupiter has got nothin´
on you
(Oh)


lift me up high
let me be with the sky
gracefully rise
slow dancing on venus

I´ll know you´re mine, when I´m drifting ´round the rings of Saturn

Jupiter, Jupiter
the universe does no justice to just what you do to me

it´s like breaking, but waking the inside of me
and the milkyway is but only a galaxy
shine through me like the moon
baby, jupiter has got nothin´
on you


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9lv4X35XUo

I have made mistakes but..

                                Is it truly worth giving our love solely up?.....


I have made such mistakes in the past and I mean honestly what can I do? I am not the most perfect individual and its harder everyday that she doesn't talk to me. I had a feeling it was coming to be honest, and thats why the week she had been "sick" which was partially true besides the fact of always sleeping, more so avoiding me. I just wish that she had trusted me with her heart and maybe I would have trust her. I tried to explain on the phone but I cried like a little boy on the phone. I've never done that before in my life. The fear of losing her is to great and I am so, so dumb. I know I did wrong but you did too and you need to know that now.


I know that I shouldn't have gone through your web history and I am truly at fault for that.
I know I shouldn't have gotten jealous at the picture of the boy, but I am afraid of losing you.
I know the way I get mad isn't exactly the way you do but I can't change that.
I know that looking at your ipod/phone and you taking it away I shouldn't have had trust issue's from there on for that small amount of time I had the issue


But...


You need to know that:


You never truly opened up your heart to trust me and show your love.
I opened up my heart and I am truly afraid of losing the love of my life.
I will never EVER judge you, you wouldn't do it to me so why would I do it to you?
I will unconditionally love you even if you don't want to be with me.


What I was saying on the phone about not giving an effort to come wasn't me trying to really say you didn't care, just that you didn't show it to your parents. Sure we all need to respect our parents and abide by their rules but for them to truly know when somethings important to you, you have to speakup and not confirm to their rules. It's hard I know that, but sometimes some things are worth fighting for and I was hoping that maybe you would do that for me?


I show my commitment by coming to see you which not every boy would do.
I sent you flowers 6 roses to represent the months we've been together.
Not every boy wants to talk on the phone.
Not every guy is purely truthful to their girlfriend.


I am not perfect but I hope that I am enough in your eyes. I try ever so hard to make sure that I will never lose you and even when you said your afraid of losing me well....I am even more afraid of losing you then you know. I have never been afraid, and ive never been afraid of losing something this much.  


-I wish that I didn't have the issue's I had. 
-I wish I didn't have the imperfections you see (when I get mad) 
-I wish that you would just take me as me. 


Trust me, show your emotions, express them. You cannot stay strong with me, because I cant stay strong like that towards you and its completely unfair. I understand it takes time but you haven't even given me a chance to truly hold your heart in my hands. That is truly unfair and I want that chance. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to talk about your life problems. 


Remember all of this is minuscule compared to the great times we've had and this is just small road bumps on a road that will go away if we just work on it and talk about it but honestly. 



I am sorry, and this is proof of it you said that I didn't remember the things that you say to me but read my blogs that should prove to you how much I pay attention and how much you mean. 


But you need to know that we are in love.............


......and lastly....I just..... want you in my life. <3
                        <3 Vanessa <3

Love through poetry..

                                      Something I decided to write from the heart..



Everynight I lay without sleep
Knowing our love is so deep
Today's a day I will miss
But not as much as our next kiss

Thoughts of you drive me crazy
I try to walk but get hazy
Each day is another tomorrow
but without you im in sorrow

We may be far, it may be long
But my love for you wont be gone
Your cute when you sleep
I love how you hate when I tickle your feet

Your smiles so magnificent
You look so innocent
With lovely eyes
You must have come from the skies

Your a star in the night
I think of you and want to hold you tight
I cry and cry until its gone
My love for you goes past death and beyond

The smell of you makes me stop
You make me feel at the top
Your my constant drug of love
That came from above.

By: Julian Yager



I love you Vanessa.

No Going Back (1st and 2nd day)

School was just finishing and April had passed fast as I was texting that girl that ever so much had taken me off my feet just by a glance. I ended up going in beginning of July. I was so excitied and could not wait to spend time with the one I dreamt of day and night, thought of when things got tight, the women that could only show me the light. It was really spectacular to see her again but this time I was going alone to see her.


That was no problem whatsoever! For me being alone and getting time with that beautiful goddess of a girl would mean more us time, and more time I got to spend with her the more my heart seemed to really heat up and lose that crystal coated icing on itself. Just when I thought I could never love again, april just kick started my heart. It was like my heart got lighter, it was easier to breathe but enough about that.

I arrived at her house and she was putting out her dog named Lila. She loves dogs, did I mention that? Well she does and man I didn't like dogs but after spending time with her I grew to love for the first time in my entire life. My aunt has dogs and I hate them so much but she makes me love things I never thought I could love. When I arrived with my luggage to stay at her house for an entire 9 days it was like time paused as she hugged me and kissed me.

Of course my luggage fell because I put my arms around her and held her close to me. It was even better then the last kiss. I was so desperate to see her again that I was going to do anything to see her even if it was just for one more time. I carried my luggage inside and it so happened I arrived there at about 8 or 10ish a.m. but I wasn't so fixated on the time as I got more time with her so really time didnt matter at that point in time.

We got inside and her mother was still asleep so I got cuddle time with her which was unbelievable amazing as it was godly for me to have my lover in my arms once again. I didn't know what Vanessa's parents had planned for these 9 days but god I didn't care as long as I was with Vanessa! Man was it great just having her in my arms and every second was worth those 6-8 hours of riding that bus! It was like teasing someone with their dreams for 6 hours it was just not a great feeling. We got to hold eachother for 2 hours until her mother got up because we werent exactly comfortable with doing that infront of her mother and in all honesty I can understand her point of view since its her parents.

Today was kinda like a lazy day because honestly I really needed it after barely sleeping almost all night. There was a wedding the next day that I was anticipating. I believe either the next day or the day after it. I got to spend time with her that I was so thankful for. I was not really wanting tomorrow to come because you know how it feels to just want to stay in their arms forever and its just this amazing feeling y'know? We ended up kissing quite a bit, romantic she is that is for sure. Her kiss puts me into a trance and that is really wacky and stereotypical to say but I just felt like I was in a dream that I couldn't believe what was before my eyes either!

I got my bed setup on the couch with two blankets and her other dog named Maddi. Her dog likes to lick everything and surprisingly this dog was just calm at night when it comes to licking. I had a hard time falling asleep because I was texting her one, but two I was thinking of her even if she was in the other room completely. I mean being there was so happy and exciting. But can you imagine being in a household with parents you've never really spent time with? But why would I care? I trust her, and all I need is her trust which for me I was always having this twisted feeling in my stomach when it came to parents I didn't know but here it was gone.

I keep getting butterflies when being with that girl it was so surreal. I wokeup the next morning to see my beautiful girlfriend having to leave because she was part of the wedding the next day! I fell back asleep after seeing the last glimpse for the next 6 hours id spend without her. But this meant that I got time to get to know her family so it was a great time to really let them get to know me. We ended out going to a restaurant for breakfast that was kinda like Cora's It was like named fruit or something to that extent, but it was full of fruit that was delicious and little cute Brianna was with us, so precious. I remember that I got something I don't usually get, I believe it was french toast! The breakfast was with her dad, her mom, her brother Eric. I thought to myself at that moment that she even has great immediate family members, i've never for some reason been comfortable with a family when spending a week or even a few hours in their presence even with said "friend" with me.

I ended up leaving with her mother and father to go back to the house and get ready for sure to go to this wedding. I ended up getting ready and her father drove to go pickup Vanessa because he was part of the wedding as well. I was left with Vanessa's mother who in honesty scares me because she reminds me of my father almost to the "tee" if you will. I have never been afraid of someones mother, but I think I was moreso afraid because of the fact that her mother was a major influential impact on Vanessa's life and I wasn't intending on going anywhere! Her mother and I ended up getting ready and I ended up leaving with her brother Eric and we drove to pickup Eric's girlfriend but I didnt have a seat!

Eric offered a seat, but trying to be the tough guy I am I said no I can rough it out. Little did I know the cottage was an hour or maybe two away. I was really really tired and I almost fell asleep in the car ride there. I remember seeing alot of tree's when I wasn't putting my head downwards towards the floor. I mean the air there was easier to breathe as well but I think thats because I was so happy and comfortable there.

I was introduced to family members by her mother and was a little to polite I believe. I met her one uncle and uttered the words " Hello, Sir" and said hi to many of her family members which was nice to finally meet them seeing as she has quite the large family as she even indicating before dating her which was of course perfectly fine with me to be honest!

 I was dressed and a grey and grey-white ish shirt as well with my metal necklace and skinny jeans. They weren't super skinny but it showed my legs and I really wanted to impress my girlfriend! I was anticipating seeing that beautiful face for time that was given to but I was jumping in my stomach just to see her even if it was a few hours. I had a camera in hand to capture her very photogenic self and also for the reason her mother requested I take pictures. It felt like forever since she was suppose to come and I really really wanted to see her so bad. After that everlasting feeling she finally came down the aisle and was stunning. I mean truly stunning, she is so beautiful and seeing her in that dress made me just almost drop my mouth. She had a flower in her hair, as well as a flower on her finger and a cowboy hat necklace.

As she walked down I had troubles trying to get a good picture of her and it was too close but just seeing her again made me so happy and even through those few hours of her absence it just felt too long to be without her. It was such a strong feeling of missing her I just cannot explain. Being in the same place and not seeing your girlfriend is like a big punch to the face and I got K.O'ed thats for sure. Her uncle and soon to be aunt got married and were very happy. I am so glad to see her aunt and uncle so happy together because after all everyone deserves happiness.

A little awhiles afterwards we had dinner which consisted of salad, chicken wings, hot dogs, hamburgers, assorted vegetables as well as fruits. I decided to have a hotdog, as well as chips that were available and some vegetables but I wasn't as hungry for much to be specifically honest. There was other foods as well but I didn't have anymore because I am super picky! I feel bad for it but its truth!

That night the partying was amazing, I dont dance, I cant dance and fact is I get embarrassed at dancing but damn well right I was going to dance! But I got to meet Vanessa's cousin named Melissa, and melissa is a bit younger but she seemed like quite the best friend of Vanessa's and I was happy to see Vanessa just being happy to see her cousin. They had quite a confumblement.  Yeah I made up a word! I just couldn't think of a better way to describe a distancing. But as the night went on people were drinking like usual weddings, and it got darker and darker and Vanessa and I were spending time with Cameron (a younger boy, about 12 I believe or 9). He was a very nice boy but I really wanted time to spend with Vanessa, as much time as I could get!

It got later and I danced more then I ever have in my life and it was so much fun with Vanessa. I have never been so happy and its bringing tears to my eyes just remembering and picturing it. I mean it was so amazing, slow dancing, fast pace dancing. Her in her cast, but I just cannot forget that happy face. I didnt quite explain the landscape. It was like an entrance to a very easy going house but yet you saw a deck, a few chairs and tables on your right as well as it kind of being fenced in on that side as well on the left there were tree's marvellous nature and generators to play the music. It went a little uphill past the cottage and behind there was a truck. If you got out of the cottage and went left (behind the house) and walked straight there was an out house. But if you went left and kept going straight there was another cottage as well as at trailer on the very left walking up to the other rather smaller cottage. Anyway as the night progressed we ended up sitting in her uncles truck and just cuddling.

I cried so hard because I was so happy with her and the moment was just so right like every other moment with that girl. I mean just holding her hand, kissing her for a second would just make me want to cry. Her kiss was like the most amazing thing you could feel on your lips and make you just want more and fall into a dream. That night was full of love and music. I remember the dance she was doing with Melissa that she loved called the Macaroni. Never a fan of it myself because of the overplayed amount at school it was played but I danced with her anywho! Before heading inside her mother, and I, as well as Vanessa helped through out cans, bottles from the party and proceeded inside afterwards.

We had to go to bed but in seperate beds, what i'd give to cuddle with her I mean honestly holding her was the best feeling ever. It was truly like holding the world, my world! Her perfume smelt so great like always and she just smelt amazing like she always does. We spent about 20-30 mins laying on the bed with curtains peaking open with her parents in the kitchen talking to the newly weds. I just couldnt resist kissing her even if it ment getting caught, it was just so worth at the chance of getting caught. I held her and just sat there and smiled, she put her head on my shoulder. I turned her face and kissed her so passionately like I do everytime I turn her head. She ended up asking me to take off her necklace which I did with delight.

It felt like such an amazing moment doing that for her, I ended up losing the hat for the cowboy necklace as I took it off her neck but we ended up finding it in the bedsheets. It was not lost, and thank god because I knew she liked the necklace! It was very sparkly and I thought it was kinda cool myself! We ended up going to bed around 2 or 3 a.m. I ended up sleeping in the same bed as her father and she ended up sleeping with mother and her niece Mallorie.

It was such an amazing night, if I could relive that moment forever I honestly, truly would. It was just that amazing that I think if I had an eternity to relive it I would. That was our night, and magical, romantic night. I couldn't tell you anymore then she was my soulmate forever. I knew by April that she was my love and my love forever indeed.

The next morning was very hot and Vanessa and I got up around the same time. I collected my phone and my necklace which were on the bedside table from where she left. I was in a scurry to go and see her as well as get my shoes on. I was just waking up beside her and looked for water so Vanessa could digest her pills because I worry alot like that for her. Later on we were outside and the guys were gathering all the afterparty stuff. Tables, as well as the generators, etc. I ended up helping Vanessa and her mother gather the rest of the materials from last nights party!

We had quite the cleanup the rest of the guys and I and boy was a sweating. I don't blame Vanessa if she didn't want to hug me at all but man I wanted hugs more then ever, boy oh boy did I! Her brother ended up leaving before we did and we ended up bringing Mallorie with us on the way back to her house. Vanessa's family as well as I were getting hungry so we stopped at a french fry truck. Vanessa and I were in the car alone, I kissed her quite passionately. I remember we both got water and poutine. Mallorie got picky and wanted fries then chicken nuggets afterwards so Vanessa's mom got out and being an amazing grandmother got her the chicken nuggets.

It was a long ride home but I was so glad to have my arm around Vanessa and feelings for her were not diminish-able at all. Nobody could destory the love I have for her and the trust that I had so strongly acquired with her as well. There was no going back, I thought, I am in love and my heart was hers to hold....forever..

The First Time I Saw Her

                  "Somethings are just ment to be.."

Indeed some things are just meant to be, me and her thats for sure! Anyways continuing with my story...

I went to go see my girlfriend I believe it was April 24th, almost positive. But we weren't quite yet in a relationship we wanted to see where it'd go and having been hurt badly I was going somewhat slow. I just arrived in Quebec with my friend Dustin, nerve racked as ever. The bus ride was ever-so-long, felt on-going yet I didn't know yet id be falling in love with this girl.

We had talked for several months and upon having a really seriously conversation one night I cried very hard and solemnly swore to myself to go and see her, and I did. It was not your average travels it was my first time leaving my hometown so I was nervous more then ever. The way she understood me was like no other and I was just so excitied to see her!

Turns out that I had two days to stay to see her because I was in grade twelve and we had an extended few days off due to holidays by the school for government reasons (you know those p.a. days and so on). We arrived and it turns out her house was 4.5 hours away from the hotel, so we decided to walk. I remember I was wearing a guitar shirt, and it was such a struggle of a walk like in somewhere you've never been before. I had googled her house so really it was easier to find then you'd think; I arrived and I texted her telling her I was outside.

Her dad had so happened to arrive so as in movies the father is stereotypically the scare parent of the two parents. So I was nervous to go in, and i was just stuck to the spot. I texted her to come outside and meet me, as soon as I saw her close (I had to wear glasses and didn't have either contacts or glasses) I saw she was wearing her pajamas! I liked them though, they looked like really cool yellow shorts except banana yellow! Anyways seeing her was breathe taking, I was careful to step from her driveway to the door with my friend Dustin as not mentioned. I almost fell at one point then we entered her house.

Her father was there and I was quiet as ever anticipating that he'd ask me something or Vanessa would engage in conversation but I guess that's because she was nervous but she said shy otherwise! I texted her in the middle of texting her father and all you hear is a big vibration! I kind of laughed and she had a giggle because she looked at me. Her father ended up having to leave and it was like a wind of relief to get somewhat time with her (asides from my best friend being there). Dustin and I sat down on the one couch and there was a single chair if you would like to call it opposite the couch and a tv beside the chair but across the sofa.

I decided to try and say "come sit by me" but in more of a welcoming none commanding tone, I believe it came out commanding, I felt like such a jerk but she came over willingly and smiling. Man I love that smile, when she smiled it just reminded me of happiness, and joy. Something I am not accustomed to because I had a very depressing home life / school life. She was beside me and I had two days to make a move, or let her know that I really wanted to be her boyfriend. I moved like I have never before and it kind of made me think "Wow man you got guts here!"

We decided to watch her favorite movie Amityville Horror House, I wasn't watching it over course because I put my arms around her and was holding her as well as kissing quite a bit, (but not so much it was like overkill because my friend was right beside us after all) I watched some of the movie i'll admit but my eyes were only on the girl I was falling in love with. It was like love at first sight I guess you could say, because I was covering my heart and emotions and with her the barrier was ripped off like a band aid.

She has black hair, pierced ears, shes very tall, my height and deep green eyes that would make any man surely fall for her in seconds. If only she knew the power she held over me from that point on-wards, it was illuminating how she could control my every feeling!

The movie finished and I believe I put on the movie I brought Adam Sandler's Anger management movie! But it was perfect because like me she loved Adam Sandler movie's so it was just one interest out of many that we had anyways. I had to force myself to leave because face it; either I stay the night and ditch my friend whom had offered to come or stay with this amazing breathe taking girl. But I couldn't ditch him so I left, earlier then I think I should have anyways. Seeing those green eyes, that beautiful smile, her nose piercing oh jesus. Every bit of me wanted to go back and kiss her, she just was so breathtakingly beautiful

When I say no other women can compare, I mean no other women! She was just my dream girl come true. It was like god knew I needed an angel and put her down her for me. The next day after my friend and I walked back to the hotel and arrived at 1 a.m. we woke for around 10-11 a.m.! Of course the night previous I was texting the love of my life it was just something I couldn't stop doing.

As I was saying, the next day it seemed to hit me hard, I wokeup early which for me is not normal by any stands so it was more strange then any other thing; I had plans with Vanessa today to spend time with her at the mall or at the hotel. We ended up going to the hotel for a certain specific amount of time but we had to leave to go to one of her family get togethers. I mean I was really nervous but the trust I had in Vanessa was like no other and I went even though I wasn't sure about it.

Before we arrived at her uncles her mother was doing some passive casual talking with me that I found very enlightening, because I love when parents actually get to know who you are (her dad was getting gas in the meantime). Thing is that I lived 6 hours away was the biggest shock on her face. But what really made what I said, in my opinion, was the fact that I said I came to see Vanessa and it was my first time travelling.

Man did I not regret a single instance of not going to her uncle's get together! It was a beautiful lake, and the time with her there was just unrealistically amazing. We arrived and I remember being introduced to some of her family but I am bad with remembering stuff at times so I had a hard time remembering all these names of people I just met. I loved talking to her whole family and it reminded me of my family, and I love my family but hers was even better! She thought they were crazy, well maybe im crazy for her but I dont think they were crazy.

We spent what felt like an amazing long time at the lake, until dinner started. She was cuddling with me with my green sweater on that I gave to her. Knowing she loves green I had to give it to her, plus I loved seeing her in my clothing it just showed some of my love even more and how much more passionate I am about that women. The smell in Quebec was like no other, and her perfume was great, I believe it was coconut, and she was wearing her beautiful purple jacket.

Shortly after dinner and watching the hockey game (Vanessa's dad and herself like hockey) we left to go back to her house. It was getting rather late and I was worried for Dustin but I spent some more time at her house because I just couldn't resist it, it was just something that had to be done, y'know? I called the taxi but they were late and thank god they were. A half an hour I got more with that beautiful, angel just looking into those amazing green eyes. I mean I cant describe it. I gave her my sweater and when it finally arrived when I left it felt like hands gripping eachother, but struggling to let go. But my love indeed did not go as I couldn't stop thinking of her.

I got back to the hotel and saw my friend as expected he looked worried and I was not surprised knowing him as well as I did. I texted my girlfriend till she fell asleep and then went to bed shortly afterwards in hopes of seeing her the next day with which I had to leave for my hometown. I mean I was really sad and did not want to. I wanted to cry, every fibre of me wanted to stay for this women that completely understands me, more than any being on this planet and I just couldn't leave.

This s'morning was probably the most unhappiest moments I had when leaving Quebec, but luck turns out that her family was having lunch at a restaurant and I was passing by to get my bus the left nearby there and I just lucked out! We were walking by and I got to see her one last time, hugged her like it was the last time I was going to see her; but ever hug for her was like the last time because I am so afraid of losing her it just was so amazing of a hug to give her.

I left on the greyhound bus being full of regrets and calling myself stupid because I had to leave that girl that made me the happiest man on earth and it was just bottling up inside me. I promised myself I'd go see her again no matter what. She was particularly special and I'd never met a girl as beautiful, intelligent, walking so swift as an angel, so understanding and so strong will'd in my entire life. I just had to go back, it was like a drug addiction, just needed more of that girl.