I wokeup with the most panicky feel any man can endure in a teenagers body. I was panicking so frantic and I did not know why I was sweating in my bed and had sore eyes, a body that wasn't at all mine like it was last night when I landed in that soft comforting bed. I took a few moments as I was dizzy to recollect myself like a bunch of lost items put across the earth.
I said to myself " Pick yourself up, its just a dream Julian, honestly its nothing to be upset about ".
I put on the biggest smile that day as I had nothing to worry about, that dream was nothing, will never be nothing, or so I thought. I mean honestly, what are the chances of that dream actually happening to me, it wasnt me or anything that I'd ever do, being crazy in love I laughed it off as I walked from my house to my bus stop. It was was really cold out and it was the year two thousand and nine. I had a great number of people in my life; best friends that were always there for me.
Opening the school doors was as swift and easy as I remember it to be, I had put on that famous fake smile, it was as believeable as I believed myself to be okay. It was pathetic but people believed it more than I could believe myself to be fine which made me wonder alot. I shrugged off my shoulders of all the tension and anger I had acquired from this dream and nothing would bother my day.
I opened my mouth and told my friend of what I dreamt of, what had stopped me? Pure curiousity of what he thought about the dream. This dream was truly a nightmare come true in the year or two to come that was approaching me very, very fast. I did not know, because I didn't think that this would happen to me, I was way more, vastly intelligent then I take myself out to be. Who would be so reckless to do all of those things in that dream? It has to be a dream, and only a dream.
[Two Years later...]
The most breathe taking girl I've seen, but I seemed to have already known who she was oddly before I even met her or started talking to her. She had a presence like no other, but yet again I had a presence like no other and she seemed very irresistable and I could not resist any temptations I have. It's like holding back on something you want to say to someone to hurt them, this temptation you just couldn't hold back. I went quite insane because she seemed to understand and was very mature. Younger then me, the first young women I have had respect for and could not deny the love that was started to nest in my heart for her.
We started dating April 27th, 2011. Around there, as school time was off for monday and I went with a best friend to go and see her. She came back to our hotel room and we cuddled a bit like couples do. She invited me to go see her family, her uncle was having a get together. Before I passed the door of threshold, I felt this gut wrenching feel of "dont do it, its not a good idea". I had no idea were this came from but trusting Vanessa I went. I always wonder, what kind of warning sign is that, why'd I even ignore it in the first place? I'd be out of this heart break of a mess.
We dated for six months, and it was the best 6 months of my life. Our relationship bloomed like a flower, but died like a flower like when winter approaches. I was hoping our flower to have that same beauty, and blossum eternally like in a garden of Eden. I sent roses on the sixth month signifying our love, or the love had devoted to her. What belligerent fool like myself could give his heart and not realize the transaction between hearts was never made? I gave her my heart freely, and there was only a double bladed fight to combat for hers. She had many guides, it was like a drug deal, I brought the drugs without any body guards or backup plans. She brought her body guards but I got killed in this deal. I gave her enough suppliment for her to love me, but once it ran out, we were done. Analogys tend to be my favourite way for explaining things and how people struggle to even be happy.
It turns out that in the dark, I had no fear, and now I dont even know what is out there anymore, I am scared of becoming hurt again, of being scared even thrice more. If I could do it over again I would try to patch everything that was unsaid, create that bridge of trust so she could see to the other side and know that she was free to cross through this path of a bridge. Through the darkness, I will hold a staff to put aside the darkness, and my spirit would unlatch my body and carry her through the land of despair, we call earth. I wondered why my eyes glowed ever so much as my soul had been brought out from the pits of my body, through my eyes. I could see that she had lust in her eyes, not love, but I chose to ignore that warning sign heeding guidance with her love in getting trust from her.
Our souls in this land would be intertwined and were not, she was mingling with other spirits for reasons I couldn't comprehend; it was a dread a girl would ever believe in such a way of betrayal. I was the keeper of this realm, and now I was following back into the pit of despair, everymore, my soul seemed to vanish just like my belief of gudiance, enlightment. My mentality was so strong, so tall, and now was taken down with a single blow, her mentality was not prevalent, she concealed any childishness she may have had with false superiority. This is the day that I learned that not everything is as it seems to be, people arent who you thought they'd be, or want them to be forever. Love is a delicate thing, and especially when you risk it by chasing a soul you'll never catch, your demons will catchup with you in the realm without a lantern to keep your eternal peace.
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