.......Music truly can bring out something that nothing else can
Yesterday I was looking for country music to download because since my heavy breakup, country is like a crutch for me, and I just was looking out suggestions youtube gave me and I saw that song that made my crutch become completely abolished, completely useless. All the hope, false sense of happiness, all vanished within 5 seconds of just seeing the title of this song. The songs name was "Check Yes or No" It reminded me of the song she sent me oh so long ago that I remember and quite amazing memory. It was just amazing how my heart just dropped to an all time low at just seeing thats songs name by George Strait. I mean honestly, I love Vanessa, and I don't think i'll ever stop. People say it gets easier as time goes on but its just getting harder and just when I think that im alright, all my dreams and thoughts tell me to go and chase her. I don't know what to do anymore because she is a big part of my life and now shes suddenly just gone forever from it. She won't text me back, call me, or anything. I remember once hearing the words that "things will never be the same, and I cant go back" I know loved ones will pass away, and I know one of my dear family members will be passing away as we speak and im considerably handling this expected death very, very well. But just because a few things in life have taken a great twisted turn does not mean that they have to go far worse then where they've gone. It's to go back and reflect on the good memories with your family, or your friends that have passed away and forever will be at peace. I remember my friend Dennis passed away and I was in so much shock because a week before I went away to see Vanessa, he asked me to hangout and I told him I would when I got back from seeing Vanessa. He died and the those were the last words I said to him, and I just feel ever so bad about not being able to hangout with him but him and I were becoming good friends throughout time and then my friend just taken away from this earth. His family must have been devastated but as someone who finds out over the internet and is in denial with themselves it was even harder for me to even believe.
He told me people made rumors about him passing away at school so I thought this was just another cruel teenager joke but it turns out I was wrong. I mean honestly what can I do now that he has passed to make myself feel better? I can only try to approach the future and move on, always remembering the memories I have had with my friend. But I cannot move on in my future without the girl I truly love, thats something I can never ever pass on. I can do something about it, ive made mistakes, ive been an idiot but what i'll never be is a fool for loving her. I wish that I had realized the mistakes I made when I was with her then when im without her, because I truly feel more alone that I have and ever will feel. My eyes burn when I wakeup in the morning and when I go to bed at night, my heart stops whenever I think of the great times we had and how much she made me happy. I just wish that she would see that I am always going to love her for her, and accept her mistakes that she may make. I wish that she loves me for me, and just clear eachother of our mistakes and start fresh, with the same memories, same love, same blossoming, undeniable love for eachother. I remember promising myself to move to Ottawa, and I honestly can't say that I'll ever back out of doing that now. I promised myself, and noone else and I NEVER break my promises. I will never break a promise, because truly I am a man of my word and my word is my life. I need to make sure that I make others around me and myself happy as well because I am in so much wallowing pain that I just need her to say the three words that'll make my insides become alive again, be a whole unit. Right now everything is dying slowly with a strong fight, and its losing so badly and I cannot stop it at all. I need you to say the three words I love you.
I really don't know if you'll ever read this but if you do, no matter what you may have done, no matter what I have done, we can get passed this and be as in love as we have ever been. I cannot go back into the past and I cannot keep hitting myself over the head emotionally about what I could have learned before to stop this breakup, but maybe this is a test to see our love in strength, and to show us that we can get through rough times as easy as the good times and I just want you to know that my heart keeps telling me to kill for you, to keep chasing you, that this is just something we can get passed but honestly... Whats your heart telling you?
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