A dream that I..........

I  wokeup with the most panicky feel any man can endure in a teenagers body. I was panicking so frantic and I did not know why I was sweating in my bed and had sore eyes, a body that wasn't at all mine like it was last night when I landed in that soft comforting bed. I took a few moments as I was dizzy to recollect myself like a bunch of lost items put across the earth.

I said to myself " Pick yourself up, its just a dream Julian, honestly its nothing to be upset about ".

I put on the biggest smile that day as I had nothing to worry about, that dream was nothing, will never be nothing, or so I thought. I mean honestly, what are the chances of that dream actually happening to me, it wasnt me or anything that I'd ever do, being crazy in love I laughed it off as I walked from my house to my bus stop. It was was really cold out and it was the year two thousand and nine. I had a great number of people in my life; best friends that were always there for me.

Opening the school doors was as swift and easy as I remember it to be, I had put on that famous fake smile, it was as believeable as I believed myself to be okay. It was pathetic but people believed it more than I could believe myself to be fine which made me wonder alot. I shrugged off my shoulders of all the tension and anger I had acquired from this dream and nothing would bother my day.

I opened my mouth and told my friend of what I dreamt of, what had stopped me? Pure curiousity of what he thought about the dream. This dream was truly a nightmare come true in the year or two to come that was approaching me very, very fast. I did not know, because I didn't think that this would happen to me, I was way more, vastly intelligent then I take myself out to be. Who would be so reckless to do all of those things in that dream? It has to be a dream, and only a dream.

[Two Years later...]

The most breathe taking girl I've seen, but I seemed to have already known who she was oddly before I even met her or started talking to her. She had a presence like no other, but yet again I had a presence like  no other and she seemed very irresistable and I could not resist any temptations I have. It's like holding back on something you want to say to someone to hurt them, this temptation you just couldn't hold back. I went quite insane because she seemed to understand and was very mature. Younger then me, the first young women I have had respect for and could not deny the love that was started to nest in my heart for her.

We started dating April 27th, 2011. Around there, as school time was off for monday and I went with a best friend to go and see her. She came back to our hotel room and we cuddled a bit like couples do. She invited me to go see her family, her uncle was having a get together. Before I passed the door of threshold, I felt this gut wrenching feel of "dont do it, its not a good idea". I had no idea were this came from but trusting Vanessa I went. I always wonder, what kind of warning sign is that, why'd I even ignore it in the first place? I'd be out of this heart break of a mess.

We dated for six months, and it was the best 6 months of my life. Our relationship bloomed like a flower, but died like a flower like when winter approaches. I was hoping our flower to have that same beauty, and blossum eternally like in a garden of Eden. I sent roses on the sixth month signifying our love, or the love had devoted to her. What belligerent fool like myself could give his heart and not realize the transaction between hearts was never made? I gave her my heart freely, and there was only a double bladed fight to combat for hers. She had many guides, it was like a drug deal, I brought the drugs without any body guards or backup plans. She brought her body guards but I got killed in this deal. I gave her enough suppliment for her to love me, but once it ran out, we were done. Analogys tend to be my favourite way for explaining things and how people struggle to even be happy. 

It turns out that in the dark, I had no fear, and now I dont even know what is out there anymore, I am scared of becoming hurt again, of being scared even thrice more. If I could do it over again I would try to patch everything that was unsaid, create that bridge of trust so she could see to the other side and know that she was free to cross through this path of a bridge. Through the darkness, I will hold a staff to put aside the darkness, and my spirit would unlatch my body and carry her through the land of despair, we call earth. I wondered why my eyes glowed ever so much as my soul had been brought out from the pits of my body, through my eyes. I could see that she had lust in her eyes, not love, but I chose to ignore that warning sign heeding guidance with her love in getting trust from her.

Our souls in this land would be intertwined and were not, she was mingling with other spirits for reasons I couldn't comprehend; it was a dread a girl would ever believe in such a way of betrayal. I was the keeper of this realm, and now I was following back into the pit of despair, everymore, my soul seemed to vanish just like my belief of gudiance, enlightment. My mentality was so strong, so tall, and now was taken down with a single blow, her mentality was not prevalent, she concealed any childishness she may have had with false superiority. This is the day that I learned that not everything is as it seems to be, people arent who you thought they'd be, or want them to be forever. Love is a delicate thing, and especially when you risk it by chasing a soul you'll never catch, your demons will catchup with you in the realm without a lantern to keep your eternal peace.

Straight Jacket of Love

I am completely fine, feeling as smooth as the oceans current

Nothing can ruin this night, with the stars agazing.

I feel just the sound of the ocean washing away any worries.

I smell the ocean air coming in from the past, present and the future

I am truly at peace at this very moment in time.

Thinking outloud, I wonder why, in a harsh cry

Has time escaped me too long?

I run in a panic, wondering if anyone will still be alive

I look behind to see my passion, lashing me with a hot whip

It is not my poetry, not my guitar, or my voice calling me

But the pain of the past, present and future

I try to stick out and feel better but nothing helps, it seems this pain is

Growing hotter like a hot iron press, and I cannot stress how it feels

I feel weak, limber, my anger isnt simmered as my skin is red

Not red with remorse, but pain, and tattoo'ed with forever'd pain.

I struggle in my peaceful palace of sand to be at ease

But I cannot be appeased, once again im struggling to find my way

The pain on my back of that imprint is getting hotter, not from heat

But from the sting of love, and the heart of pain

As I look through our memories like a diary

I see that deep down fire in me

Its lit very low, to not be seen

My love for hers been split inbetween.

Like an axe chopping through wood

I have a splinter in my heart

It wont be squeezed, or put at ease

The struggle is hard and hurtful

I feel as if im in a straight jacket of love

and I will never get out of this entrapment 

No matter how hard I struggle

It wont ever come off

I feel a bit better as she says that shes emotionally unstable

Setting aside my worries and doubts, that im all about

I look and what do I see, her with another man

She is yet again appeased.

I am still trapped in this hungry built love

Fulfilling her needs, but starving in mine

If only she'd have not lied, and told me everything

Maybe I wouldn't be in this straight jacket, of love....

Deepest, Darkest

                                                         ................Blue

In moments of deepest darkest blue

The teardrop that hit’s the water making it

Break off into waves all around

Breathe is exhaled so dark and white

As the night is full of cold air

The time is  five minutes to twelve a.m.

It feels as if time is running out faster now

IT feels as if time has never gone faster then it has

The dread that engulfs the night is so intangible

Slowly, I draw my breathe one more time

Before the hand strikes twelve and everything ceases to exist

My lips dark red with remorse and trembling with fear

Dark blue eyes, crying blood in pain

And the heart feels as if its giving its last pump

As I think my last thought, and draw my last breathe

I see the dark light sky

With blood tear dropped eyes

The stars all glistening with a moments truth

My hands are cold with remorse of what use to be there

The blood in my veins thickens as I clench my teeth

The clock on the tower has seemed to stop one second

Before the strike of midnight and only so daringly moves back

I feel the hurt in my heart even more than I did the night before

This hurt will never cease, will never be destined to go out

If only someone could feel how it feels, this stabbing in my heart.

My soul seems to have vanished, as if any shred of goodness in me leaves

I cannot bleed pure red, but only smoke, nothingness.

My breathe shortens, my skin tights on me

And my mind wanders like it has always done before

My heart is gone, not in my hands at all

This is a capsule of a body, embedding memories so tall

My heart was stolen, along with my love for all

I feel an everlasting beckoning call

As I feel the stabbing in my heart 

It has disseapered stolen by a thief, a gentle loving thief.

My heart a  rare mirror, reflecting only what you want the most

I feel my heart ever so shattered

With everything else that mattered

I think the most lucid things

Love, Tranquility, and Peace

What I can change, refrain, design.

But, I cannot change anything this time, for the  bit of me that is left

Left for death

But I can change what is tangible and make each day

Worth living.....like it was my five minutes before the strike of midnight.

Patience is a virtue...

                                                          .......Music truly can bring out something that nothing else can


           Yesterday I was looking for country music to download because since my heavy breakup, country is like a crutch for me, and I just was looking out suggestions youtube gave me and I saw that song that made my crutch become completely abolished, completely useless. All the hope, false sense of happiness, all vanished within 5 seconds of just seeing the title of this song. The songs name was "Check Yes or No" It reminded me of the song she sent me oh so long ago that I remember and quite amazing memory. It was just amazing how my heart just dropped to an all time low at just seeing thats songs name by George Strait. I mean honestly, I love Vanessa, and I don't think i'll ever stop. People say it gets easier as time goes on but its just getting harder and just when I think that im alright, all my dreams and thoughts tell me to go and chase her. I don't know what to do anymore because she is a big part of my life and now shes suddenly just gone forever from it. She won't text me back, call me, or anything. I remember once hearing the words that "things will never be the same, and I cant go back" I know loved ones will pass away, and I know one of my dear family members will be passing away as we speak and im considerably handling this expected death very, very well. But just because a few things in life have taken a great twisted turn does not mean that they have to go far worse then where they've gone. It's to go back and reflect on the good memories with your family, or your friends that have passed away and forever will be at peace. I remember my friend Dennis passed away and I was in so much shock because a week before I went away to see Vanessa, he asked me to hangout and I told him I would when I got back from seeing Vanessa. He died and the those were the last words I said to him, and I just feel ever so bad about not being able to hangout with him but him and I were becoming good friends throughout time and then my friend just taken away from this earth. His family must have been devastated but as someone who finds out over the internet and is in denial with themselves it was even harder for me to even believe.

          He told me people made rumors about him passing away at school so I thought this was just another cruel teenager joke but it turns out I was wrong. I mean honestly what can I do now that he has passed to make myself feel better? I can only try to approach the future and move on, always remembering the memories I have had with my friend. But I cannot move on in my future without the girl I truly love, thats something I can never ever pass on. I can do something about it, ive made mistakes, ive been an idiot but what i'll never be is a fool for loving her. I wish that I had realized the mistakes I made when I was with her then when im without her, because I truly feel more alone that I have and ever will feel. My eyes burn when I wakeup in the morning and when I go to bed at night, my heart stops whenever I think of the great times we had and how much she made me happy. I just wish that she would see that I am always going to love her for her, and accept her mistakes that she may make. I wish that she loves me for me, and just clear eachother of our mistakes and start fresh, with the same memories, same love, same blossoming, undeniable love for eachother. I remember promising myself to move to Ottawa, and I honestly can't say that I'll ever back out of doing that now. I promised myself, and noone else and I NEVER break my promises. I will never break a promise, because truly I am a man of my word and my word is my life. I need to make sure that I make others around me and myself happy as well because I am in so much wallowing pain that I just need her to say the three words that'll make my insides become alive again, be a whole unit. Right now everything is dying slowly with a strong fight, and its losing so badly and I cannot stop it at all. I need you to say the three words I love you.


         I really don't know if you'll ever read this but if you do, no matter what you may have done, no matter what I have done, we can get passed this and be as in love as we have ever been. I cannot go back into the past and I cannot keep hitting myself over the head emotionally about what I could have learned before to stop this breakup, but maybe this is a test to see our love in strength, and to show us that we can get through rough times as easy as the good times and I just want you to know that my heart keeps telling me to kill for you, to keep chasing you, that this is just something we can get passed but honestly... Whats your heart telling you?

Dont you just....

                                    ...........Love that jump inside you that happens?

             When something that has happened can never be fixed and for example a loved one or family member passes away and you see a message you think they sent you that you never read and it turns out it was an old message? I went into my email to see that it was my ex girlfriend name says "Hey you! :) <3<3" But it was my message to her on the day we started dating, I got that happy fun feeling from getting the happy sense of thinking she'd actually message me and you know what that really sucks. I wish she messaged me but everytime I try she just ignores me like we were nothing at all. I know we had something, and I know I loved her but I would like to know that atleast maybe I meant more to her then what I found out I didnt mean as much? I mean that saying "lets be friends" then they never talk to you? Like thats one of the most stereotypical immature things to do! My old old ex girlfriend and I brokeup and I talk to her everyday, we are just plain out friends but we've become stronger as friends after dating (it was like a month but asides the point). If my friend and I could do that in the past, why cannot my ex girlfriend?

             I love her severely to death, and just the thought of her just hating me makes me sad and I really wish she'd message me back or call me and see how im doing. I love being wanted, like any other human being. Doesn't matter whether im guy or a girl, we are want it and all love it, but I never got as much as I gave, back to me. I love the girl so much and she just pushes me off like nothing and completely blocks communication with me. Who can honestly do that? I really wonder sometimes, and it just boggles my mind how people can do that to someone that really deeply loves them. I know that I did that to my father which of course this is two types of love, but now I realize how hurt he was, when someone you unconditionally love pushes you away it truly hurts and Vanessa pushing me away hurts more then I can imagine. I try to hide my pain everyday, but no matter what is brought up I always think of her. You think it'd be normal to completely forget, but I can never forget and that is what is truly scarring me and hurting me very badly. I mean, I would message her but its like beating a dead horse.

                I will never get a response and I don't think she would read this honestly. I love the girl, I'd marry her but I guess she didn't feel exactly as I thought and that was my mistake. Sometimes things happen for a reasons, and somethings are meant to happen as she said. I was always strong against that saying because you can make anything happen as long as your determined, yeah know? But some people like taking what I call the "easy" way out and just say everything happens for a reason. What happens when you get fired for something you didnt do? WELL everything happens for a reason! No, your going to fight it because its your god damn job and its kinda important for you to live on! I don't get the whole, " Well maybe its meant to happen, or things happen for a reason" What kind of person came up with that mumbo jumbo? It bothers me to the highest extent. I cannot just put that quote out when I think things wont work out because I am a determined person and will never just let things go. 


If its important to me, you know damn well I will make it work.

Today I...

                                                 .....remembered my dream!

         Today, I wokeup remembering my dream. Now that is a first out of I'd say, a very long frickin' time ! I guess because I was so trained in the thought of remembering that even after I wrote it in my dream diary (I bought a day or two ago) I remembered it all day! I believe it is sending me a message of where I want to go in life. My dream was wackier then wacky can get! I mean honestly I never thought or imagined a dream as screwed up as this. I dreamed that a few friends came over and went upstairs, then we had a power outage! My mother was downstairs with me and the dream was a distorted image more over to describe funhouse's with mirrors that make your body look sideways in a sense! So I went upstairs to see if they were okay but all of them were gone and I was like confused, utterly. I went downstairs and noticed that there was a black haired girl downstairs, face distorted because in dreams you do not remember faces and she had a boyfriend which my friend had told me yet either I kissed her or she kissed me. I wonder if that is to signify something about my now ex- girlfriend? The need of being wanted is shown by being kissed while the girls in another relationship? The feel I got was a very mature, intelligent, non-slutty girl that is why I would point out the point above.


            Anyways, continuing, I left the bathroom where we had been talking by my light switch and walked out by my couch. A demon Baal appeared and I was trying to walk/run away. My porch had another door as well after you leave my front door, and he ended up smashing my brains and then my heart. I ended up going straight to hell (literally) and being chased by "said" demons through a multi-dimensional place which consisted of an old peoples home,a family leaving in a trailer, an old rickety house. After exiting the old rickety house and going to a thing that seemed like a wormwhole but not black, like looking through a mirror and seeing something on the other side was a train. I ended up going in the train but the train was speeding so I couldn't do anything and it was a dead end, completely. God appeared before me and asked me if I would be an angel/take his job (I cannot remember correctly) and I went in heaven and did a few tasks which were of the oddest qualities then came back to earth to see my brother and mother. Strangely my father was gone out of the picture in my head which makes me wonder to myself. My brother also smoked (he hates smoking but in the dream he smokes?!) And my workplace was closing the next week which is extremely odd. I saw a different building like a camera off the side, but a piece of cement was showing in the corner of the camera lens! My dream was odd but it resembled something important in my life.

I believe it was my conscious telling me what I wanted to do in life, the death being the other jobs and the god coming to me when I needed him was the job that I wanted. One good path in life, the rest are negative impact to me? The black girl was stated earlier of my psychological analysis of what it could be. It was a strange dream and why remember this one out of the blue? Rather odd if you ask me.

Writers Block..

                                                    ....On love?

         That's right, I wrote that correct. On love, and very specific to be honest. I still love that girl to death but I cannot go back into the past and see where we went wrong because in honesty she'll grow and find out that we could have handled that maturely and we could be a stronger couple and we could get over barriers. When it feels impossible to get over those hard barriers, I am always there for her when she needs me. I will never stop loving her, I think about it day and night. What if she had just loved me as much as I love her? Well there are always going to be " What if I could?..." We all make mistakes and I guess my mistake was opening my heart up and trusting her with it. It turns out my heart got shattered and now there is noone, noone, but me to pickup the pieces of my dead heart.

I wish that there was a reset button, or a redo button for mistakes you have made and grown to learn from them. But there isn't and that is life's consequences for screwing up. You know that there is going to be someone to always pick you up when you feel you cannot even pickup yourself or breathe. The night that I was at my lowest, at my loneliest. My friend that I hadn't spoken to all summer, yeah all summer messaged me saying " Hey we haven't spoken in a long time". That night I went to go see my friend Kelly and her listening was enough for me to just stop myself from anything that I wanted to do with all the energy in my body. I really do love Vanessa, even though she will.. Never love me.

I will wait, only for you, and you know your special when someone like me will give up their life to wait for someone like you. That show's true love, and I wish that we could talk like bestfriends do, I guess that was an illusion I never found the trick to. I thought bestfriends talk about how they feel, whats bothering them, what they love, what they hate. I know I did, maybe that was self-centered? One thing that im assured of is that I will never stop loving you, or waiting for you.

Call me when you want to be the girl I know and love because we both know we want to be together for the rest of our lives. WE just need communication, love & trust, we can start new and build our way up if that is how you want to go about it and maybe that might be best. I don't know if you will read this but if you are, that means you still care for me as I care about you. I know before you didn't want to call but maybe its time we talk about what went wrong and just try...again?